Affection

There are times when my kids and the old people I work with both just want to be near me and to hold my hand or give me a kiss.  We aren't talking about the dirty old man type of wanting to give me a kiss, though that does happen occasionally.  There are ladies that just want to give someone a hug or a kiss.  One lady in particular, when she is awake and alert, will pull you in close and give you a kiss. She is very strong too, so you have to be careful because she can get you in a head -lock.  But everyone needs affection, and an affectionate touch.  I think when some people don't get affection that way enough, they reach out for it.  This happens with the elderly and those of us who work with them are use to it, but it can make others uncomfortable.  As adults we are often uncomfortable with touching others. 
 With my children, they want to sit on my lap or be close to me when we are together after a day at work.  At time it is smothering, but it is love.  But love from a child is a pure thing.  Some time I ask them to get off me and leave me alone for a while, but it doesn't last.  There are times when I needs a hugs from them as well! 

Veteran's Day

I am lucky to have a job in which I am required to get to know people and talk to them about thier lives.  Most people have an interesting story to tell, even if they don't think so.  working in a nursing home, I have meet some wonderful people and gotten to know some great men and women who have taught me lessons and things about myself.  I am blessed to know many great Veteran's from various wars.  Seeing pictures of my old friends in thier younger days in uniform can make you sad. But they are the lucky ones.  They lived to see thier old age.  Many didn't.  Many boys who served with these brave men didn't come back.  Seeing the pictures of them as handsome, brave, men standing proud in thier uniforms, makes me feel so lucky to know them.  These wonderful men ( and women), have lived a great life and came home for the war to raise families, work hard and be successful.  Comparing the photos of them then, in thier younger days to now, is just proof that they lived a long and mostly happy life.  They are rightly proud of thier service to thier country, and I and many others are proud to know them. 

quiet time

We all need a little quiet time. Sometimes at the nursing home, we wonder why our residents are agitated.  Maybe it is because they need some quiet in their day.  I know working with people all day who makes demands on me, and then going home to my wonderful, but very attention demanding boys, can be exhausting.  I find myself yearning for a day home alone.  We are always encouraging people to be involved, eat in the dining areas, be social, but maybe they just want to sit in their quiet room and have some solitude.  It they chose to do this, then it is perfectly acceptable.   Living in a nursing home is seldom a quiet place.  Our residents are surrounded by people.  They may have more contact with people now then they have in the last ten years.  Sometimes we have to realize that quiet is a good thing.  The brain needs that time to center itself and focus.  It gives us time to center our selves and rejuvenate our being.  Turn off the TV, turn off the radio and just enjoy the quiet. 

Go outside!

With kids you always know when they need to go outside and run around.  With the elderly, we forget at times that they too need to get outside and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine, even if they can't run around in it.  Getting a change of scenery does us all good.  Staying inside all day everyday is a good way to become disoriented and disconnected with reality.  Nearly everyone can benefit from time outside, especially in the beautiful late summer early fall weather.  Being in the northeast, I know sooner than we would like it will be cold and snowing, so get everyone outside when you can.  When the weather first starts getting nicer, there is often an increase behaviors and wandering on dementia units.  This may be related to the patients need to get outside, if only to feel the sunshine on their face. 

Poor Chloe is getting old!

My dog Chloe has been going to work with me several times a week for almost as long as I have worked in the nursing home (nearly 9 years).  For most of that time, she has been able to run around the building and go relatively where she pleases.  She gets on the elevator, and goes up to the 2nd and 3rd floors, visits residents in their rooms and generally making the place feel more homey with a pet wandering around.  All those years, I have never had a problem with Chloe going out the front doors; even though they open automatically with a motion sensor.  Now, the last two times she has visited the nursing home, she has each time, ran out the front door.  Why?  I don't know.  She doesn't want to come in from the courtyard when she is out there, and she just hasn't been acting like herself when she is there.  I don't know what has changed, but she just doesn't seem to like being at the nursing home anymore.  This isn't saying she doesn't want to go each morning when we are getting ready to leave the house.  She follows me around all morning and stands waiting expectantly when we are going out the door to get in the car.  She is just waiting for me to say,"  You wanna go to work?", so she can run out and hop in the back of the car.

Chloe has been, is I should say, a great dog.  She has loved going to work and has brought much happiness to many people there.  Her presence at the nursing home will be missed by staff and residents alike.  I know there are many staff members with dog biscuits in their desk, who will have to find another dog to give them to.  Unfortunately, I think Chloe's visiting days are over.  It is an end of an era.  I must say I was a little sad and sentimental last week when I had to drive her home after she went out the front door again.  It is too dangerous.  If she can't have her usual freedom, I can't bring her in.  So, Chloedog, on behalf of all the residents and staff, thank you for years of visits, and love.  You will be missed.  Come again for a short visit, but not all day.

Routine

If you have kids you know how important a routine can be for them.  Parents learn pretty early on the importance of a good bedtime routine to help babies fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night.  Routine the rest of the day becomes just as important.  Children need things to be predictable.   I can remember when K was just a baby, his grandparents would visit and it would upset his daily routine. He would have trouble sleeping for several nights after their visit.   They did nothing wrong, and loved him immeasurably, but he was just throw off enough by having different people in the house holding and feeding him, that it had an effect on his sleep.  Now that the boys are bigger, we still try to keep a daily routine, especially about bedtimes.   Our nights are usually dinner, playtime or a little TV, baths, books,and in bed by 8:00 pm. 

As an adult we tend to want variety.  We have routine habits, but crave some excitement as well.

 Life in the nursing home can be pretty routine for the residents I work with.  For some of them it is so important to keep things the same.  If you sit someone in the wrong spot in the dining room you may have hell to pay!  Our residents with dementia need the routine days.  Just like young children, they need the structure and predictability.  It helps to avoid any behavior issues.  This is easy to say, but at times hard to do.   I often wonder if we were more routine at the nursing home, maybe there would be less behaviors.  If I had more time, and energy, maybe I would conduct a research study on this....  

Cherishing the moment

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to slow down and stop trying to change things and just enjoy our children or our parents the way they are.  We might want them to be different,  to act different, to hurry up or try harder.  But, there are times we have to stop ourselves and realize it doesn't really matter if we walk a little slower or spill the milk or not know the day or the week or remember something else.  At the nursing home, we occasionally see people who have not come to terms with their loved one's quickly advancing dementia.  A few weeks ago, I witnessed a daughter trying in her own way to encourage her mother to try and participate in physical therapy.  The mom was 100 years old and as an outside observer it sounded more like the daughter was yelling at her mother for not  working harder, and in response the mom told her she didn't want to see her there anymore. At this moment I just wanted to tell the daughter to  enjoy her mom for the time they have left together , and stop trying to make her into what she use to be, a person that she won't be again.   

Recently, after a very long winter, it was finally a nice day and I took the boys for a walk in our quiet neighborhood.  K stopped every few steps to look at the dirt, the grass, to play with the fire hydrants, to look in the street drains etc.  It makes for a very slow walk.  I began the walk trying to walk faster to get a little exercise into the outing, but with so many stops it was impossible, and I was getting annoyed.  But why?  I decided to change my mindset and enjoy the exploration through a toddler's eyes.  Then we both had fun and saw new things. 
Sometimes, its all in how we think, and how we feel.  We often need to be the ones to change our attitudes to enjoy the moments that we are given. 

the witching hour

There is that time of day, the late afternoon, around dinner time, when kids get cranky.   My mom calls this the "witching hour."   K and JJ get cranky and then some at times.  They are tired and hungry, and don't want to wait for dinner.  This is the same time of day that "Sundowning" sets in with the dementia residents.  Maybe they too are tired and hungry.  Maybe being tired and hungry makes the elderly dementia resident's confusing level increase....  but I know its not that simple.
Often when they are tired, the boys hit melt down mode.  And you never know what will set them off into a complete frenzy.  There are times when I just have to take a step back and laugh.  (of course never in front of the boys as they are crying!)  My favorite tantrum was when K was younger, and he was hungry.  I gave him a piece of bread, he threw it on the floor, and proceeded to throw himself on the floor just far enough away that the bread was out of his reach.  He was laying on his stomach on the floor crying "Mommy, I can't reach it!"  over and over.  It was like he was in a desert crawling to the oasis and couldn't just make the last few inches.  These are usually the times I have to either walk away or put K upstairs in his room to calm down.  Usually if we ignore him, he will get over it and switch gears back to normal in a few minutes, like nothing happened. 
JJ is just starting to show more of his temper and to throw a few tantrums.    So far any tantrum he has had  have been very short and his is easy to distract.  But... he certainly has a bad temper at times.  He is much calmer overall than his big brother, so it'll be interesting to see what happens in the next few years as he finds his way, and strives for independence!

Say What?

 My little guy,JJ will be two at the end of the month.  Wow, those two years went fast.  He is of course, learning to talk, starting to put words together and all that. But, his speech really isn't that clear yet.  It is impossible for Daddy and I not to compare the boys.  K. was much more advanced in his language skills at this age.  It had me worried for a while that JJ was so far behind, but I think now that he is just normal.  Sometimes I really don't know what he is saying.  Tonight at dinner I thought he was asking for more rice and he was saying "there it is." I only figured that out, because he wasn't pointing at the bowl of rice, he was pointing at the front door, and  "there it is"  was part of a game he and K were playing earlier.
He is getting there, but I certainly am guessing at what he is saying at times.  At least he is expressive and does a lot of pointing so we can put two and two together and figure it out.  Plus, he is still only saying two words or short phrases, nothing complicated.  So usually we can decipher what he is saying, usually.
  Yesterday, when at work and talking with one of my older friends, (she is at least 93), I couldn't understand what she was trying to tell me, and I felt bad.  She was obviously getting frustrated with herself for not being able to get the words out the right way.  She had recently had a stroke, and with her expressive aphasia, it can be very difficult for her to talk to others because the words get stuck in her head and different words sometimes come out which make no sense.   I try my best not to just pretend I know what she is saying, because that won't help her, and she knows that I don't know what she said..
Now, I am by no means comparing here, but as one who listens, you do learn to decipher language in a unique way that is helpful in both situations. I think having a child with poor pronunciation, has helped my ear to listen to others who do not speak as clearly, and vice versa.

Anyone interested in expressive aphasia, should look at a blog by someone who has had it... read expressiveaphasia.blogspot.com.
Pretty cool.

Exhaustion!

There is a lot you learn about yourself when you have kids.  I think your true self really comes out when you are exhausted.  And being exhausted is a much too common occurrence with young children. I thought once K and J were out of the infant stage, I wouldn't have days when I could fall asleep if I sat still for more than 5 minutes.  Oh, the naivety!   J has been sick; and when he doesn’t feel good, he doesn’t sleep good.  When he doesn’t sleep good, neither does Mom (me) or Dad.  Lucky for us, K sleeps like a rock and never wakes up during J’s nighttime crying sprees.  He is often the only one in the house getting a good night’s sleep.

I know I have next to no patience when I am tired.  Unfortunately this can affect both my work interactions, and more often my interactions with my boys.  At work I can generally keep myself in check, but at home, it seems harder to do. It's like my daily quota of patience was used up during the work hours.  K has a way of dillydallying  that is just so frustrating sometimes.  And when I have to ask him 5 times to get undressed or sit down in his chair etc, I find myself reaching the boiling point.  I am definitely more of a yeller at these moments than Dad is, ever.  And I often regret it later.  But that is something I learned about myself and I am working on to be a better parent.   I know my boys deserve my best, and don’t always get it.  I no I will never be a perfect parent, and that is OK too. 

 How about you?  What have you learned about yourself as a parent? (please share in the comment section below!) 

Tuning it out

At almost 4 years old, K. is and has been for a while now, in the "question stage".  Why?  What is….?  It is enough to drive you crazy sometimes.  Or at least, to drive me crazy.  Any parent out there, knows what I mean. There are days when I ask him to please, be quiet for 5 minutes.  And both my husband and I have used the answer to the why question, “Because it is!”  Sometimes, there is just no reason why, or why something is called what it is…(his second favorite question).  How do you explain some things to a not quite 4 year old?  The incessant questions are particularly trying to me in the car on the drive home after work.   Some days he won't let up until he gets an answer.
Since I work in a nursing home, I spend part of my time everyday with residents with dementia.  Granted, these are often some of my favorite people to work with.  But there are days…  Even though their repetitive questions are different, and are being asked over and over again for a different reason; there are times the similarities of the question assault is overwhelming.   I will admit, being asked twenty times in 10 minutes when Bob is going to come visit by an 83 year old, or why something is what it is by a 3 year old, takes all my patience and energy.    There are times when I tune it out, no matter who is asking the question.
Being not the best employee and mother is at times the only way to save my sanity. I know we all do it at times.  We walk by the resident asking questions and we pretend we didn’t hear her.  We tell our child we don’t know the answers, or it just is, that's way.  Sometimes it is too much.  As much as we try, we sometimes have to do what is best to keep our own sanity.  At times we only have so much of ourselves to give.  At times I feel guilty.  But I know I am not alone.  Am I?

Watch out!!

Any parent can relate to that moment when you can see that your child is about to get hurt, and you just can’t reach them in time to stop it. For me, it seems to happen in slow motion. This happened to me twice in a week with JJ.  He is becoming the adventurous one.  The first time was falling off a kitchen chair, when standing on it to play with playdoh at the table.  I was right at the kitchen counter making dinner, but couldn’t get to him before he fell.   But luckily he didn’t get hurt, he was just shaken up, and more so, since he landed in the dog’s water bowl.
Now in the same week, a similar situation presented itself to me at the nursing home.  As I was walking down one of our longer common hallways, where lots of folks like to sit in the sunshine, I saw Bob (who is one of my favorites) at the end of the hall standing up, and his chair alarm was going  off. I was too far away to yell to him to sit down, or to reach him to physically get him to sit down.  As I hurried closer, he took two shaky steps and tripped and fell on the floor.  Luckily there was a nurse also nearby, who came to help, and Bob wasn’t injured, just bruised, and embarrassed.  There was that moment when you know; you can foresee the accident happening, and you are powerless by sheer distance to stop it.
I am sure this happens to everyone at one time or another, but it always gives me that heart in my throat feeling.   Especially when you are suppose to be the one to keep someone safe, either as a parent or a caregiver, and you can't.  Luckily this week no one was hurt when I was watching.  Let's hope it stays that way!

Growing up

When my older folks I work with learn that I have young kids, I inevitably hear, "Enjoy them now, they grow up so fast."  I also get the occasional "These are the best years of your life."   I think the latter can really only be seen with golden glow of age and memory as one looks back on a lifetime of experience.  But truly the boys are growing before my eyes.   It's obvious when they put on a pair of pants that I swear fit them last week, and now they look like capri pants. My youngest has gone from a baby to a little boy apparently over night.  He was a tough baby.  He cried a lot, had infant reflux, and didn't sleep through the night until almost a year, but that same golden glow of memory, makes all that a blur. 
I try to cherish those moments in the middle of the night when JJ wakes up and won't go back to sleep without rocking.  Or those times when K says he's afraid of the dark and wants to rock in the rocking chair with Mommy.  I know these moments will come to an end and I will miss them.  I will miss those sweet little boys who want Mommy to hold them and give them hugs.  I am realistic enough to know there will be a day when they will be embarrassed to be seen with me.  That hugging Mom, if done at all, will only be done when other people can't see them.  It might ruin their coolness factor.  So for now, I will try my hardest to appreciate those quiet moments.  Because there will be a time when I will be the older lady remembering a lifetime of experience through the golden glow of age and memory and will be thinking about the best years of my life.

Eating

For the past few weeks, my nearly two year old has been a terrible dinner eater. He just won't eat much more than rice and occasionally pasta. Not a very nutritious meal for a boy with so much growing and developing left to do. We try to encourage J.J, and offer him alternatives after constant refusals, but lately even that has been to no avail and left us parents frustrated. But, he would of course, gladly eat dessert. Cookies, ice cream, chocolate, he is there!
Today, at work, Mary refused all lunch, even with nurses, aides and me conjoling and encouraging her to eat. I even tried giving her a number of bites to eat like we do with K, our almost 4 year old. "how about just 3 bites of sandwich?". She was having nothing doing with that. But, when they gave her the cheesecake off her tray for dessert, that she ate all of and appeared to greatly enjoy. Why, not. Who at any age doesn't want dessert instead of a sandwich? And when your decision making ability is impaired or not fully developed, of course the best tasting food seems like the best idea. When I am 80, stock up on chocolate peanut butter ice cream, hopefully from Stewart's!